Banana Milkshake

This fic is based upon a dream of Sapphire’s and the unpleasant experiences of the characters that were unfortunately in it. Read it and enjoy.

WARNING: Extreme weirdness.

Rattrap slammed the door behind him. He lay against it, panting, optics wide with terror.

Diamond looked up from the couch in the living room, where she was reading a Teen Queen magazine that her friend had lent her. She looked a little sick.

Rattrap shuddered and paused to catch his breath. He looked up and stared at her, shaking.

“Diamond! Have ya been inside Sapphire’s dream tonight? It’s a nightmare in dere!”

“Nope. Fortunately I haven’t been involved in any of her recent dreams. Why? What’s happening in there?” she asked, pointing to the door which was the entrance to Sapphire’s Central Mind, where all her thinking, calculations and dreams took place.

Rattrap and Diamond were currently lurking in the Back of her Mind; the safest place to be at night and during geography lessons, when dreams are most likely to occur. However, should a dream require a character’s presence, he or she would be sucked through the doors and away from the comforts of the Tearoom of Distant Thoughts or the Lounge of Recently Forgotten Things.

“Well, firstly it started off wid’ me an’ Tourmaline sittin’ in da grandstands at a Grand Prix. Now you know where dere’s Formula One dere’s trouble!”

“Well, at first things were okay. We were watching da cars go by wid’ little interest when suddenly an orange car ran up da back of a white car an’ all da cars behind smashed into it. Dere was a huge pile up on da track. So, da safety car was supposed to come out, but it didn’t. What came out was a giant float with a Barney da Purple Dinosaur theme an’ dat crazy ‘I love you, you love me’ song playing. We both knew things were gonna get worse when we saw Megatron riding it!”

“Well, after dat Pillsbury Men started rushing ta tend ta da crash instead of marshals. I’m tellin’ ya, it’s all dose muffins she eats at school dat influenced dat! Dere was mass hysteria in da crowds when da Pillsbury guys came on an’ everyone stood up around us an’ started throwin’ bananas! We looked around an’ to our dismay, da crowd was made up of forty thousand or so Optimuses. All season one versions jumping up an’ down an’ screaming. We were obviously confused an’ fearful and started to get up and make our way outta dere when---”

“When we saw Chopper Face runnin’ towards, pointing towards a nearby exit. Only he was wearin’ a tutu.”

“He came up to us an’ I asked: ‘What’s wid’ da tutu?’ an’ he said: ‘One ring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them; I’ll explain later.’ I didn’t really want him to after dat. So all three of us hurried towards da exit when Tourmaline tripped an’ called out. I turned but she shook her head an’ told me to go on, it was too late for her. I ran back ta help her but she suddenly turned into Paul McCartney, stood up an’ brushed her-himself off an’ walked away whistling. I gave up all hope of her recovery after dat an’ ran for my life.”

“So, now we had a track full of muffin-men and a Barney float, a stand full ‘o monkeys and Paul McCartney now singin’ da Barney song over da loud speaker. Dino-butt quickly led me over onto da track and pointed along it and told me dat if I kept runnin’ along it, I’d soon see an exit through da stands to my left. He said he had to stay behind an’ help Megatron in his Barney musical. I didn’t hang around ta listen to it an’ ran as fast as possible. But when I was halfway dere, I heard a piercing scream. I looked up an’ a winged black horse thingy with a dark, hooded rider flew down an’ landed in front of me. I thought it was a Ring Wraith from dat damned movie Da Lord of da Rings she’s seen so many times, but my suspicion was disproved when da rider pulled off his hood an’ jumped off his horse, which burst into a puff of pink smoke and disintegrated. It was Joe with a painted face so he looked like a clown. In his arms he was holding a sack.

He untied da sack and inside was a sleepin’ Elijah Wood, wid’ a nasty bruise on his forehead.

Joe looked up and said: “Help me carry him. He was hit by a banana when he was running with me away from the grandstands.”

I was reluctant coz I knew dat Elijah would slow my progress, but dese were desperate times and I held onto half of Elijah, while Joe held his head. I directed him an’ we walked towards da exit. We were almost dere when suddenly Donald Duck leapt out in front of us wid’ a glowing green sword. We thought all hope was gone when suddenly Depth Charge flew in wid’ a few monkeys on his back, which he shook off as he landed and transformed. He took out a glowin’ blue sword and started breathin’ through dat closed mouth of his in a choking sorta manner. He came up to Donald and said: “Donald, I am your father!” Donald screamed ‘NO!!’ and da two started fighting. I decided I had had enough of all of dis an’ put Elijah down, pulled out my gun and shot dem both.”

“He was dangerous! He thought he was Darth Vader for cryin’ out loud! We were just outside da exit now so I said ta Joe dat he could carry Elijah fer da last meter or so and I ran through it an’ ended up here. But as I left I heard Joe cry: “Oh God! Here comes Lady Venom and Rampage!!!”

“Wow. You were right. That was scary. Is it over? Dreams don’t usually last that long.”

“Yeah. It seemed whoever got hit was either a celebrity or turned into one. Which makes ya wonder about Elijah. For all I know he could have been Waspinator beforehand. Funny, I thought I felt something hit my back….”

He walked over to a mirror across the room to examine his aching back. He had his back to the mirror and turned his head around to look at it. He let out a shrill cry.

Diamond laughed, closed the magazine and headed off to the Tearoom of Distant Thoughts for some coffee and biscuits, leaving Rattrap to sulk and eat the banana.