Reasons Why Marrying a Beast Warrior is NOT a Good Idea

By: Sapphire

This fic was inspired when I realized, much to my horror, that I've developed an unconditional love for Rattrap.  ::cough::  My mother isn't happy because she thinks the first guy I come across with a Brooklyn accent I'll marry (also the fact that he isn't even my own species.).  I've given it some thought and I came up with this silly fic.

Let's list the characters and their respective reasons:

Optimus Primal - Other than the sickening smell of bananas filling the kitchen, his speeches on thinking positive would most probably drive you insane.

Cheetor - Too young and trying to get him to take a bath before getting into bed would be a nightmare (Cats hate water.)

Rhinox - He's a nice guy, but man, he'll never take his eyes away from his computer which can be frustrating for those who're interested in a love life of sorts.  Also, the expense of an extra-large king size bed would be a financial downside (especially when he breaks the springs every so often.)

Rattrap - If he's not at home or at work, he's at a strip joint.  His constant need to play poker and gamble with 'the boys' might leave you alone at home a lot, most probably with a lot of rat babies to feed.  

Dinobot - Always grumpy and on continuous rants, he's unromantic and hardly the guy you want to take on holiday.  Bring him his supper late and he might just bite your head off.

Tigatron - Like Rhinox, you'd probably have a hard time dragging him away from his love - in this case, gardening and going on national tree hugging events.  Trying to tell him that camping out in the garden is not very sociable will not get through to him.

Airazor - She's sweet enough but get in a fight with her and she might just fly away and not return, leaving you with a nest of screaming chicks to regurgitate worms to.

Depth Charge - Having the constant diet of fish, dealing with his terrible mood swings and having him go on constant business trips (aka search and destroy 'X' missions) will leave you lonely and fed up at home.

Silverbolt - He'd probably make a very good husband but his fleas might drive you nuts in bed. (never mind the feathers)

TM Blackarachnia - She's very touchy, she'll exhaust your credit card in a mega cycle and when you bang on the bathroom door begging her to let you please use the toilet, she'll use her telekinetic powers to drop the chandeliers on you.

Megatron -  Other than the fact you're GOING to need separate bathrooms, separate dressing rooms and quite possibly separate bed because of your different sizes, his saying 'yessss' so frequently could prove annoying, unless he absent mindedly agrees to let you take his car and credit card and go partying with the girls.

Inferno - He'll 'burn' all the meals and... as for a love life, no one likes ants in their pants (Don't hit me!  I know that was naughty!)

Scorponok - Forbid you ever have children. Can you picture him changing nappies with those clumsy claws?

Terrorsaur - He'll win every argument you have with his highly annoying screeching voice.

Tarantulas - It's difficult having a treacherous husband because you'll never have very constant friends.  You might also find yourself spending most of your time cleaning out his confounded spider webs.

Blackarachnia - Unless you're Silverbolt, there really isn't much of a chance anyway.

Quickstrike - If his accent doesn't drive you ballistic, his snake might.   (I know, I know.)

Waspinator - He may find it difficult to get a job because he annoys the hell out of his boss and workmates with his incessant buzzing (never mind you).

Rampage - You'll never inherit anything from him and there's no point with life insurance- having an an invincible husband has its downsides.

Transmetal Two Dinobot - Other than being as characterful as a dead moth, he'll probably bore you to death.  Mind you, considering the way he reacted to Megatron, he'll probably do whatever your command.

Comments are welcome at rattrap@forpresident.com