By: Landray Depth Charge and Sapphire
Writers' Note: This fic is a comedy set in an alternative universe. It is deliberately silly and is to be taken lightly. So, with that in mind, enjoy!
was evening in the Charge household, and Sunset had prepared a nice dinner for
the meeting between her newest boyfriend and her father. Depth Charge was
standing with his arms folded, listening to his daughter's pleading.
please, I beg of you, behave this time. Retro's nice!"
what you said about the last one, Sunset."
Charge scoffed at his daughter across the room, who was busily making sure
everything in the house was perfect. She was really coming into her own, and,
frankly, the manta-bot didn't like that one bit. She kept bringing home
friends and boyfriends that he wouldn't have touched with a twelve-foot pole
when he was her age. He despised it. But he couldn't deny her her freedom to
go out and meet bots, so here he was at another arranged dinner for him to get
'pleasantly acquainted' with one of her latest love-interests.
fluttered about the room, then dashed into the kitchen, yelling: "If he
arrives while I'm still getting the dinner out, let him in, ok? And BE
Charge grumbled and made his way to his favourite chair, when the familiar
whir of a vehicle-bot transforming was heard from outside. The metal manta
lifted his head and turned to the door. His mind automatically shifted to
accommodate the situation -- it was once again time to vanquish an evil from
his house. The doorbell rang.
MY GOSH! He's here already! Dad, I'm taking the energon soup into the dining
room now, please let him in!" Sunset called.
Charge started heading for the door. "With pleasure," he muttered
sarcastically. He opened the door. There stood a fairly handsome young mech,
red and grey in colouring with the obvious vehicle mode of a car. He blinked
up at Depth Charge, who positively towered above him.
hi! You must be Sunset's dad! Pleased to meet you..." he attempted to
extend a hand for a shake.
Charge's frowned deepened into a sneer as he took the 'bots hand in his own.
"My pleasure." He said lowly, gripping Retro's hand so hard he heard
metal beginning to bend. The young 'bot managed to keep a straight face as he
pulled his hand from Depth Charge's iron grip. The Maximal manta stepped from
the doorway, fins splaying as Retro walked past him. "Welcome to the dark
side," he whispered tersely as the boy walked by.
glanced about the house with an obviously faked confidence. Depth Charge knew
that he was putting up a brave front. It made him feel better about the whole
situation. Fear meant he had control, and control was something he liked.
"The dining room is this way," he told Retro gruffly and ushered him
in the right direction. As they walked towards it, he said: "One thing
before we go in..."
stopped and faced Depth Charge expectantly. Depth Charge glared at him
sternly. "You make even the slightest hint that you don't like my
daughter's cooking, and I will tie you to a rack and force-feed it to you 'til
your optics pop. Even if it tastes like absolute SLAG you chew, swallow and
smile after every mouthful. Got it?" Retro's eyes had widened and he
nodded quickly. "Good," Depth Charge said lightly, and pushed open
the door that lead to the dining room.
had already set up two bowls for the soup, though three chairs were ready to
be used. Her father's lack of a mouth made eating in robot mode impossible,
but he'd sit and talk to them while they ate. He always did. Retro could
practically feel Depth Charge's stare boring a hole in his back as he waited
for Sunset to be seated, then sat next to her. The hunter sat across from him.
all seated, Sunset took the first spoonful of soup and slopped it into her
bowl. "So glad you could come tonight, Retro! I'm sure you and dad will
get along great!" Depth Charge's frown didn't waver in the following
Retro cleared his throat. "Nice place you got here...s-s-ir, um... I like
the abstract art on the walls... And all the fish tanks. I can tell you like
fish...heh...oh well, considering your beast mode...which is really cool don't
get me wrong...I guess having fish...in tanks...would...like...make you feel
more...*cough* at home..." he trailed miserably. All through his poor
attempt at conversation, Depth Charge had remained motionless, eyes fixed on
the stuttering mech. Sunset bit her lower lip and glanced at her dad, then
back at the soup. She took a spoonful and added it to Retro's bowl. The noise
of the slop seemed extra loud in the uncomfortable silence.
was pathetic! Retro was meek, bumbling, and scared slagless of Depth Charge.
His face was like a rock, locked in a permanent scowl as he watched the boy
mech take a spoonful of the soup and shove it into his mouth. Predictably,
Retro froze for just a second, then, deathly afraid of the consequences,
gulped the contents down. Sunset watched him expectantly and Retro swore he
saw her father smile.
the mere sight of seeing a bot with no mouth smile was enough to make Retro
look quickly away. He shot Sunset a desperate look. She shifted in her chair
and tried to look relaxed. "So... Dad... Why don't you tell Retro a
little about yourself? Oh Retro, dad has some amazing stories to tell! You
should hear some of the things he's done in his lifetime." Retro nodded
please enlighten me!" he said, glad the spotlight had shifted.
Charge folded his arms. "Well... I've done a fair deal of fighting in my
life. I know how to crack a bot's head, knee him in the lugnuts, snap his arm
and tear off his shoulder blades in only one swift move. I also know how to do
it with minimal noise, so no one gets disturbed by the...screams."
Retro had been a human, he would have been white as a sheet. Sunset smacked
her forehead as her father continued. "Did you know that there's fourteen
ways to kill a 'bot with a standard human chop stick?" Depth Charge
finished with a growl, crimson optics flashing as he accentuated his last word
by closing his fist so hard his own palm creaked. The red mech gulped.
"O-oh...That's g-good to know!"
an opportunity, the manta's optics narrowed sharply. "Why is it good to
know?" He questioned suspiciously.
plannin' on killing me, boy?"
lifted her head. "Okay, dad! No need to bore Retro with any more of your
war stories." She turned to Retro with an embarrassed grin. "He's
kind of paranoid delusional. You know, post-traumatic stress disorder, that
kind of thing."
red Maximal looked back at Depth Charge. The ray-bot twitched, one optic
we should, uh...change the topic... Like, to how great this energon soup is!
Mmm-mmm, you sure are a good cook, Sunny!" he said, looking away from the
scowling, twitching mega-bot beside him and shooting Sunset a forced smile.
thank you, Retro! And it's only partially energon. Dad provided the
ingredients! He hunted them personally. Did I thank you enough for that,
daddy?" she said, giving her father a look of adoration while Retro
fought to suppress the urge to retch. "Dad has an acquired taste for live
animals, since he got his beast mode. At first I thought it was SO disgusting,
but then after a while, I learned to like it. It's all about opening your mind
to new things, ain't it dad?" she looked up at him with a cheerful smile.
pumpkin, I know all about opening minds...." he said, tilting his head
with a slightly deranged glint in his eye.
has a degree in psychology to help him better estimate the mental capabilities
of the enemy. It's pretty amazing - he can read some people like they're open
books, and he can smell a lie a mile away!" she informed Retro
enthusiastically. The mech had all but shrunk into his chair.
gulped again, forcing another bite of the energon soup down his throat.
"So...what kind of animal is in this soup?"
Charge smirked. "A medley of things I killed over the weekend. Rat,
squirrel, fish, possum, crow, and squid."
sputtered a little, then managed to regain himself, swallow and say:
"Oh....nice..." although Depth Charge suspected the young mech
hadn't even heard of half the animals he'd listed. Sunset cut in to prevent
any more unpleasant silences and said: "Retro's interested in joining the
Cybertronian Police Force, dad. I thought maybe, seeing as you've already been
through all the training, you could take him out for a day and give him a few
tips! We all know how proficient you are with weapons."
Charge suddenly snorted, then chortled, then erupted into a fully-fledged
guffaw. Retro stared at him incredulously while Sunset just looked confused.
The raybot threw back his head and laughed loudly. After he had finished, he
leaned forward on the table, closing the distance between himself and Retro to
one that made Retro feel less than comfortable. He gave Retro a steady look.
"Heh... A skinny, half-manufacture like you join the police force. Hahah...
That's a joke, right?"
scowled a little. "No, not a joke. Just because I'm not an
all-brawn-no-brain type of 'bot doesn't mean I can't succeed on the
force!" The boy sat back, realizing his mistake.
Depth Charge leaned further forward, closing the gap to mere inches.
"What, exactly, are you trying to say?"
Sunset started, afraid that he might hit Retro. "He didn't mean anything
contraire... I believe that was a blatant Freudian SLIP! You got something to
say to me, you say it straight to my face! Do you think I'm stupid, huh? Well,
DO YOU?" Depth Charge pressed ruthlessly.
no it's ok, Sunset," Retro said, swallowing hard and straightening his
posture. "No, sir, I do not find you stupid in any way, although, seeing
as you have asked for my honesty, I will say that I think you get pleasure out
of intimidating me...or at least trying to."
thought that by standing up for himself, by holding his ground, he'd win Depth
Charge's respect. But, judging by the slight purple hue Depth Charge's face
was turning, he started to think he just might have miscalculated that one...
Maximal manta was having a ball, up until that point. He'd had control over
the boy, but now he was standing his ground, his fear slipping away. Depth
Charge truly didn't like that. His rage slowly melted from his face and his
features became deathly calm. He remained there, in Retro's face, perfectly
calm in contrary to how he had been a second ago.
right, Retro... If you really think you're cut out to be in the academy, why
don't you prove it to me with a good old fashioned arm wrestle!" Sunset
groaned. "Oh dad, not at the dinner table!"
table is as good as any," he said, giving Retro a challenging stare.
Retro trembled slightly, then tensed.
well, then, if that's what you want." He pushed aside his bowl of
unfinished soup and placed his elbow firmly on the table.
Charge smirked and grabbed Retro's hand, giving it another death-squeeze.
smacked her forehead again.
feuding father and boyfriend counted together. "One, two...three!"
threw all of his strength into his arm, and, surprisingly enough, held Depth
Charge at bay! The Maximal manta made a face, as though straining, and
strangely enough, his arm started to go the wrong way. Retro was beating him.
Sunset watched in awe as her powerful father was fought back, the back of his
hand nearly to the table. Retro mentally cheered -- he'd nearly floored this
massive 'bot! Depth Charge lifted his head and smirked, all trace of strain
gone. He promptly slammed the back of Retro's hand against the table with
was a sickening crack and Retro yelled: "YOU SLAG!" in an utterance
of pain. Sunset gasped, hand flying to her mouth, Retro held his hand in pain
and stared at Depth Charge in horror and Depth Charge merely said...
"What did you just call me?" in quiet fury.
sighed. She knew what was about to happen. The very same thing that happened
to Chaingun, and the guys before him.... She let her head fall into her hands.
lead me on! You-you-...you made me think I was winning!" Retro cried
have the audacity to insult me and then accuse me of deception? Why you
didn't need to have her eyes open to know what was going on. There was the
abrasive grinding of chairs as Depth Charge stood up, she heard a sudden
"glargh!" come from Retro, there was a loud snap, and the scream of:
"oh no, not that!" and then the hammering open of a window, the
following: "yaaaaaaaaaaah!" and of course, the ending thud.
lifted her head with another sigh to see Depth Charge patting his hands
together. She gave him a baleful look.
Charge caught the look and shrugged. "What? He called me a slag! That has
a double-meaning, you know."
rested her cheek on her hand and prodded her soup bowl sulkily. "They're
never good enough for you, are they dad? You always manage to find something
wrong with them!"
Charge closed the windows and frowned at the crack one of them sported. That
would be the third glass pane he'd have to replace this month. He turned and
walked over to his pouting daughter.
now don't you get depressed about it, dumpling. I only want what's best for
nodded softly. "I know."
was a pause and then she lifted her head and asked: "Should I feed the
fish the rest of the soup?"
honey, it'd kill them."
two shot each other knowing smiles, then erupted into laughter.
LDC: We're extremely strange, neh? Hope you enjoyed this odd little fic-bit that Sapph and I came up with on Tuesday night. All comments welcome!