5.Nov.08

How To Survive a Beasties Fic

 By: Taratron

As the title of this essay proclaims, this is a how-to manual on how to survive a BeastWars fanfic.  So there are only two reasons why you should read this: one, if you are a BeastWars character, or two, you are a sadistic evil sonofaBLEEPING author who plans not only do twist and turn every character to your sick plots and want a cutting edge on how to do so.

Either way, this manual is for you!

There are several manuals and hints on how to survive a Beasties fic.  The best hint of all is suicide, or finding every BeastWars web site in existence and deleting them.  Without proper material to base perverted stories from, authors will either cease their writing, or make their fics worse.  After all, they insist, as they paint Waspinator a genius and Megatron someone with ADD and who was never loved enough as a child, there’s no evidence to dispute their facts!

But here there are.  Characters, get out your pens, pencils, talons, whatever you have for a writing (bwhahahahah) utensil.  Authors, please take your sick perverted views elsewhere.  Either that or sit down.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEASTWARS FIC

I.       Don’t be a BeastWars character. 

a.     What, you think this is a JOKE?  The best way to avoid shark attacks is to avoid the ocean.  The best way to avoid traffic tickets is to not drive, or to bribe police officers.  And the best way to survive a BeastWars fic is to NOT BE IN IT.

II.    If you are in fact a BeastWars character, my sympathy.  For while these methods may help, none of them are foolproof.

III.  Recall that you yourself will suffer.  Suffer a lot.  Most authors have no decency when it comes to suffering.  But you will not suffer alone, oh no!  Generation One Transformers have all had to deal with the horrors of fanfic writers, and so must you. 

IV.  Stasis Pods: Who The Hell Are You?

a.     Stasis pods are the usual (99.99999999999% of the time) way you will get new troops, new comrades, companions, love slaves, children, enemies, mortal foes, and hot dog vendors.

b.     Stasis pods are not covered under any warranty. 

c.      Because they are not covered under even the most basic of “If it breaks, return it,” warranty, the first action of your commander (or yourself, if you are the commander) will be to jettison the pods into the depths of space so that when they land, they will have to combat a planet’s atmosphere and gravity to hopefully crash into enough pieces to fill a toaster oven.

d.     Anyone can get into a stasis pod.  So don’t expect talented technicians who can actually turn on a computer, or fighters who know which end of the sword to stick into someone.  99% of people in stasis pods received no training from Cybertron and are really teenagers who were plastered enough to take the dare to climb into one.

e.     With this knowledge of pods comes the fact that no matter how small your mission, even if your ship is just a garbage barge, you will have roughly 1,000,000,000 stasis pods of worthless people. 

f.       Stasis pods, perhaps due to the fact that they are constructed mostly of Spackle, will crash and burn no matter how close they are to landing.  They can be three feet from the ground and still the detonation will rival Chernobyl.  Duck and cover early.

g.     There will always be something wrong with the protoform when it comes from the stasis pod.  Mental or physical defects are a result 5 times out of 4.  Do not be alarmed, merely be assured that this will happen. 

h.     Reprogramming stasis pods as a way to get new comrades is a nice idea.  However, reprogramming them into more of an idiot and then leaving them for your enemies to have is much better.  Let them deal with someone who drools and eats the keyboard!

i.        Stasis pods fall only on days ending in ‘y.’  And sometimes ‘x.’

j.       In conclusion, the best way to deal with a stasis pod is to not touch it.  Ever.  No matter how much the protoform inside begs you, do not touch it.  Either shoot the protoform or walk away.  You’re much better in the long run.

V.  Beast Modes: Half Cat, Half Dragon, Half Weasel, Half Mad

a.     You are a BeastWarrior, even if you are a pacifist.  The main term then is ‘beast’.  Unlike your ancestors, a car or even a fighter plane is just NOT your style.  You deserve and must have some parasite-ridden animal beast for your alternative mode.  And no, you don’t get to choose.

b.     The pod will choose your beast mode.  9 times out of 10, it will be a beast mode that 60% of your comrades already have.  This is because of the Law Of Mode: no matter how wonderfully populated your planet is with various unique life forms, nearly everyone ends up with species from the same genus.

c.      If you have a unique beast mode, such as a lemur-fish or a stinkbug, rest assured it will not be unique in the time frame it takes for two more pods to land.  This time frame will usually be between two paragraphs, or roughly three hours.

d.     Dinosaurs and like creatures are very popular for your pod to choose.  However, most of these creatures are extinct and are unable to survive in the present climate and day.  This is nature’s way of telling you that you suck, and that’s sad.

e.     Fuzors are a new breed of beast mode which combine two unlikely and normal animals into a hideous freak.  Fuzors are excellent as comrades, because sending them into a battle alone insures victory.  No one wants to get close to a skunk-elephant, Stinktuskatron.

f.       Some beasts have telepathic powers, or telekinetic.  Since none of these animals are native to your certain planet, do not worry about special powers.

g.     In short, beast modes are the wave of the future and thus your pathetic existence.  Even being a Volkswagon Beetle has more dignity than a cat who has to clean itself.

VI.  Comrades: Why The Opposite Side Looks Better

a.     Comrades are people that you cannot legally shoot in a war.

b.     Seeing as legality has nothing to do with war, just insure you don’t get caught.

c.      If in case it becomes necessary for you to speak to a comrade, refrain from shooting them until their back is turned.

d.     Shooting comrades is referred to as ‘friendly fire.’

e.     In short, comrades are good for target practice and shields.  Never have a comrade as a ‘friend’, since 9 times out of 10 they will die horribly, and you’ll have to swear vengeance and go on some stupid quest to kill the Almighty Head Honcho Evil Guy, and face several trials on your way and sudden death, only to come to the amazing conclusion that your comrade probably deserved to die for all this crap you have to go through to avenge his death.

VII.  Enemies: The Other People 99% of BW Fans Like

a.     Know your enemy and know yourself.  Know when he goes to sleep, so you can go to sleep AFTER he does.

b.     Your enemy is ruthless, cold, cruel, and takes his females in common.  You, on the other hand, are assertive, cool, aggressive when need be, and believe in sharing.

c.      Your enemy either wants to take over the world or prevent you from doing so.  As such, your enemy does not believe in following dreams.

d.     The best way to deal with your enemy is to get him overcharged and drunk.  Everything looks much better after a round of drinks!

e.     Your enemy is always much stupider than you could ever hope for.  The problem is, so are you.

f.       In short, your enemy is probably everything you wanted to be when you were a child, but reality and parents paying your college costs got in your way.

VIII.  Gender: XX, XY, XYZ

a.     In the BeastWars, there are three genders: male, female, and confused.

b.     Gender does not really matter, but since authors think it does, it really does.  Gender has to do with biology.  Biology has to do with making crying screaming babies.

c.      Have nothing to do with gender unless you cannot help it.

d.     If you are a sole male on a team of females, you will either have every one of them hate you, have every one of them love you, or be gay.

e.     If you are a sole female on a team of males, you will either be pristine (IE: frigid in male-speak), a slut, or a male in disguise.

f.       The only difference between males and females is that one gender fights for what they believe in, and one gender fights for what they believe in.

g.     In short, gender does not matter.  How you treat it does.

IX.  Communication: What the HELL did you just say?

a.     BeastWarriors all have a walkie-talkie on the inside of their wrist.  These tools are called ComLinks, and they are used for prank calls, obscene phone calls, suggestive questions about gender, locations of strip joints, and on some rare occasions, actual information about the war.

b.     Your ComLink will fail without question when you need help, need directions, need assistance on getting away from stalkers, need a drink of beer, or need to go to the bathroom and have run out of toilet paper.  This is due to a mysterious animal called Interference.  No one has ever seen it, no one ever will, it merely is.

c.      To repair your ComLink, hit repeatedly with a hammer.

X.     Energon: The Meat and Beer of Your Species

a.     What the title says.  Without Energon, you die.  With too much, you die.

b.     Think of Energon as cocaine.  You live for it, breathe for it, and after a while, every little last thing in your life is about it.

c.      Energon crystals are bright blue and look a lot like rock candy. 

d.     If in the presence of a lot of Energon, you will have to revert to beast mode.  Your medic will insist it is because your robot mode cannot deal with such copious amounts of food.  The real reason is because he’s a selfish jerk and wants it all for himself; he even has the mining tools to unearth enough for twelve Cybertrons.  And as you are trapped in beast mode attacking your fleas, that’s exactly what he is doing.

XI.  Now that the general stuff has been explained, on to more general stuff!

XII.  Some fates are worse than others.  Much much much worse.  Understand that no matter how badly you are suffering, someone has it worse.  Unless you are Dinobot, in which case, you ARE what everyone hopes to avoid.

XIII. If you are this person, expect this:

a.     Optimus Primal: you will have absolutely no power over any of your troops, and have to suffer through Rattrap’s calling you by many names, none of which is your real one.  Due to having a faceplate, you are also incapable of showing emotion, which is a real lag and the real reason Airazor went with Tigatron.

b.     Rhinox: the farthest you will move in life will be from the main computer to the bathroom, twice a day.  On rare occasions, you might actually leave the base.  Most of the time this is because the toilet is plugged up.

c.      Rattrap: you will never get a female as long as you live.  Accept the fact, know the fact, and stop watching Blackarachnia in the shower.

d.     Cheetor: you will always be an immature kid.  On any occasion where you become otherwise, you die fairly quickly.  Your vocabulary consists of: Ultra gear!  No way!  Go Big Bot!  Ow, this paper bag is stuck on my head again!

e.     Dinobot: you are the person Rattrap wants to be.  For some odd reason, nearly every perverted fanfic writer wants you, but as they are not Transformers, they make themselves into BeastWarrior character and shamelessly plug you as their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/bitch/soul mate.  No matter how hard you try to stay true to yourself, you will almost always lose your honorable character and end up as a piece of manflesh.  You’re the person everyone is secretly (everyone save Rattrap, at least) never wants to be.  And you often end up with lots of kids…

f.       Tigatron: you will never appear in fics, or if you do, it is to soothe the reader with ideas on how to save the spotted owl.  Rest easy.

g.     Airazor: like Tigatron, see above.  On very rare times when you appear for more than two lines, it is for a sex scene.  Get used to it.

h.     Silverbolt: proud, noble, and fast, that is you.  Nine times out of ten you are pleading to Blackarachnia for a little action.  Even Airazor gets more time than you do.  Be happy!

i.        DepthCharge: some authors enjoy the idea of you catching X.  However, since this would stop their series, and have hordes of Rampage fans attack them, you never will. 

j.       Transmutate:…if you are ever IN a fic, get yourself exploded again.

k.      Megatron: you’re cold, you’re ruthless, you kick ass, and your plans fail always at the last minute.  In order to prevent this, let the heroes activate your final plan in a blast of irony.  On the other hand, you always lose, so why bother?

l.        Scorpinok: you’re the stupid second-in-command.  If you ever get any air time, it’s usually to die.  On the exceedingly rare occasions when you do not drool on yourself, you die rather quickly too.  Your fate is to never be allowed to touch a keyboard, as such you will never be able to ask Blackarachnia out.

m.    Waspinator: Ack, be prepared, Waspi.  You are either a genius in disguise or dumber than a box of hair.  You get exploded more times than the rest of the Preds combined, and the universe hates you.  So do most fic authors.  Your family tree often makes Thomas Jefferson’s easy enough for a child to read and map.

n.     Terrorsaur: you’re the Other Traitor.  The one other than Dinobot, at least.  Loud, red, and obnoxious; you are the Carrot Top of the BeastWars.  You’re also painfully stupid and remind everyone of Starscream.  He would not be pleased with this legacy.

o.     Tarantulas: you are the Hannibal of the wars.  People have this urge to wash alcohol over themselves after you speak to them.  You’re the scientist in charge of reprograms and that’s basically all you do.  That and get some with Blackarachnia.  If you are ever shown not being cruel, cold-hearted, and even sadistic, you have been struck with the Mischaracterization Stick, which usually targets only Dinobot on such a level.  You’re also fat.  Not really, but since it’s what people think that counts, so you are.  No love life, only pointless meaningless sex, making you Rattrap’s hero.

p.     Blackarachnia: you are the slut.  Live with it, love with it, and charge them every red cent!  Fated to either be Megatron’s, Silverbolt’s, Quickstrike’s, or Tarantulas’ bitch, there are few occasions when you strike out on your own, in which case you realize how foolish you were to try and be assertive in a male-dominated society, and flirt for forgiveness.  Despite what some authors believe, tarantulas and black widows cannot mate.  Especially seeing as Tarantulas’ beast mode is female…

q.     Inferno: death to democracy!  You are always the firm believer in Megatron’s right to stomp democratic butt.  You also have no character save to scream a lot.  Even Marilyn Manson wears fun makeup.  And popular theory says you would give anything to be able to sit down…

r.       Ravage: if this is BeastWars, you die fairly quickly.  If you are teleported back to your real G1 time, you use the litter box a lot, which is most often Starscream’s cockpit.

s.      Quickstrike: you are the cowboy; Woody the cowtoy has NOTHING on you!  You have a creepy fascination with loving inanimate objects, playing very badly at cards, and hardly ever get a live love interest.  Chivalry died long before you started rustling cattle, and for some reason, your accent always gets on people’s nerves, but never as badly as Rattrap’s.  Go, pardner!

t.       Rampage: to be free or not to be.  You’re basically Megatron’s slave save in a very few fics where someone frees you, and then you become someone ELSE’s slave.  You really aren’t immortal, so don’t try paragliding with anvils on your ankles anymore.  DepthCharge is either your friend, your foe, or your father.  You basically exist to cause much havoc and bloodlust.  Better than Inferno’s niche, at least.

XIV. The End? 

a.     Most fanfics never really end.  These are called evidence of Hell’s existence.

b.     Most fanfics have sequels, outtakes, prequels, afterthoughts, author’s notes, all of which are longer and more detailed but all about the fic.

c.      Since Hasbro does not care about fanfics, you can appeal to no one for aid.  Poisoning authors is a good idea, but most fail to drink anything offered by Tarantulas.

XV. The End, Part Two?

            a.  This concludes the manual of How To Survive a Beasties Fic.  The author wishes to wish you all good luck in avoiding certain (IE: all) fic writers and remember the mantra of the BeastWarrior: whatever doesn’t kill us will insure we end up on BeastMachines.