Beast Wars Adventures: Of Mice and Bot

- Nominated for Best Comedy '04

Author’s Note: This fic is based on an event I just went through not twenty minutes ago with my mother. I thought it would make a good BWA fic, so enjoy! And as always, Beast Wars and its characters do not belong to me, but I belong to myself and I’ll get Megatron too… someday… MWAhahaha…

For the first time in ages Starath sat down at her father’s computer in the basement at home, intent on sending a few late e-mails. Upstairs, four Predacons went about their business. Waspinator, clad in a tall chef’s hat and an apron set out the ingredients for making his special “Double Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Cookies” in the kitchen while humming a happy tune. A sudden buzz in the air made him stop. He followed the buzz to the countertop where a large black fly sat there, eyeing his cooking ingredients. Waspinator scowled.

“Zztupid fly izz NOT going to ruin Wazzpinator’zz cookiezz!”

He ducked into a cupboard and, totally oblivious of the irony, pulled out a flyswatter and began to pursue the fly. It buzzed around his head as he swatted aimlessly at it. Across the kitchen, hanging from the ceiling in beast mode, Black Arachnia watched him and shook her head.

“Boys…”

Of course, she could help him, but where was the fun in that? She thought with amusement as Waspinator smacked himself in the face with the flyswatter. She turned on her webbing to gaze outside into the backyard where a Predacon, or rather, ex-Predacon was vigorously training himself in a mock sword fight against unseen enemies. Dinobot didn’t visit this world often, but when he did, it was usually so he could train himself in Starath’s two-acre backyard for a change of scenery. The screen door was open, so the spider could hear his battle cries and growls as he slashed and cut at the air, totally focused. Black Arachnia sighed, then quickly shook her head as if to clear it.

“What am I thinking? Silverbolt is better looking anyway.”

“Talking to yourself again, my dear spider?” Megatron’s arrogant voice came from behind her in the living room. “Having a good conversation, I hope?”

“Like I’m the only one who does that, Grape-face?” she grumbled under her breath, then replied louder, “No, of course not.”

“Hmm… One could expect that, I suspect your conversations are never entirely pleasant, even when they are with yourself.”

Black Arachnia was ready to spin around and shoot venom at her leader when a pink flyswatter landed itself on the side of her face. She sputtered angrily at Waspinator.

“WATCH IT, you clumsy idiot!” she yelled at him shrilly.

He didn’t seem to notice, chasing the big black fly around to the other side of the kitchen. In the living room, Megatron watched them from his favorite chair, smirking before he returned to his latest book.

Back in the basement, Starath typed away at the keyboard; determined to get at least one e-mail sent before lunch. A single lamp burned over the desk, leaving the rest of the basement cloaked in darkness. Leaning back in the chair, she read over her message before typing some more. In the moment of silence, she heard something that made her pause. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end. A rustle, over in the corner? She listened. Nothing more came. Shrugging, she returned to typing.

Another rustle. Louder this time.

Starath froze, ears on full alert. The rustle had moved from the corner to along the wall. Grasping her pounding chest, she tried to calm herself down.

“It’s just a noise. Don’t be afraid…”

Of course, her over-active imagination gave her plenty to be scared of. An orange buggy-eyed six-legged monster coming to eat her toes? Quickly her feet shot off the floor as she tucked them under her in the chair. Or maybe a gigantic spider crawling around on the floor? Eeew… that was more reasonable, but still not a very comforting thought. For a brief moment she wondered if a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle might pop out and say hi.

“You’ve been watching WAY too much of that show…“ She told herself, “But that would be kind of cool…. “

Another noise stopped any further comments. It wasn’t a rustle this time, but a skittering-scratchy sound that made her bolt up straight in her chair, searching the darkness for the source of the sound. Her imagination supplied all sorts of monsters and demons and horrible bugs, and they began swirling about in the dark, appearing and disappearing at will. Thoroughly freaking herself out, Starath did what any self-respecting Predacon would do under these circumstances.

“MEEEEGATROOOONN!”

….Run screaming to her leader.

Waspinator’s head appeared over the countertop like the sun rising from the east, dawning on the unsuspecting fly as it crawled around with its back turned to the Predacon. He started to raise the flyswatter, chuckling evilly.

“Time to die, fly!”

“AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEE!” Starath came tearing up the basement steps and crashed into him, smooshing his head into a bowl of butter before he slipped to the floor, his chef’s hat falling off. When he attempted to stand, he stepped on his hat and landed on the floor again with a heavy thud. Frantically Starath got up and continued screaming without a second glance at him. And the fly flew away.

Having heard his name from the basement, Megatron was already out of his chair before Starath dove behind him for protection. Fearing the worst, he grasped her shoulders tightly to still her frenzied movements.

“What is it? Are you injured? Are the Maximals attacking?”

She shook her head, breathing hard. Megatron’s battle-sharpened mind searched for other possible answers.

“Were you threatened? Are the Vok here somehow? Please tell me Tarantulas hasn’t invented something new again!”

She shook her head. Despite the urgency, he became puzzled.

“What is it, then?”

Trembling, Starath squeaked out, “I heard a noise.”

He stared at her. “What?”

Still trying to hide behind him, she said, “I heard a noise down in the basement.”

The meaning of her words finally sunk in, and he let go of her shoulders to shake a stern finger at her.

“By the PIT, don’t DO that! You almost gave me a slagging spark attack!”

Cringing, she replied, “I’m sorry, I was just scared…”

“It’s… It’s alright,” he said, curbing his temper only for her sake. “Just don’t do that again… Now, what about this noise?”

“I dunno what it was. I was sitting alone in the dark when I heard something. Um… could you go find out what it was for me?”

“Since when was “noise identification” part of my job description?” He demanded.

“Please?”

Before Megatron could reply, the back screen door opened and slammed shut loudly as Dinobot walked inside.

“What was the screaming about??” he snarled, “It broke my concentration during my training!”

The Predacon Transmetal looked down at his small “warrior”, who blinked and turned to Dinobot in embarrassment. “Sorry, that was me. I heard a noise in the basement and now Megs is gunna go check it out for me."

“I am?” he asked, casting an optic down at her, “I thought it was voluntary…”

“Go on Gra— erm, Megatron, go look.” Black Arachnia said from the ceiling, clearly amused.

“Anything suspicious should be investigated,” Dinobot added seriously as he crossed his arms, even though he was just as amused as she was. He stepped to one side as Waspinator pursued the fly and bounced off the screen door. Dazed, he continued his chase in wobbly paths. Not even blinking, Megatron sensed both bots inwardly laughing at him. With a low growl he started towards the basement stairs.

“Fine, I will be the “noise police” for you, Starath.”

Ignoring his sarcasm, she squeaked “YAY!” and followed him downstairs. Black Arachnia and Dinobot exchanged glances, not even trying to hide their grins.

The basement floor was cold as always when Megatron’s feet stepped onto the concrete. Dead ladybug bodies lay scattered on the floor; remains of those who didn’t survive their winter sleep. He fumbled for the light switch by the door and flipped it on, banishing darkness from the room. It was not a particularly inviting place, but it was no dungeon either. Boxes lined one wall, the “Kids’” computer on the other, and darkness still loomed from a doorway on the far left. He made his way to the other doorway and clicked on the light that brightened the area where the father’s computer sat, along with more boxes, computer, radio, and other technical parts. Along the back wall a wash machine and dryer stood silently near the corner.

“Alright Starath, where did you hear this noise?”

She pointed to the left wall near the washer and dryer, still shrouded in darkness.

“Over there, but then it moved closer to Dad’s computer.”

He sighed, wondering why he was doing this. “Then we look there first. But try not to talk too much so we can listen for anything.”

Starath stuck her tongue out at him. “Very funny, Megs.”

“I know.” He replied with a grin.

The pair quietly made their way near the corner, listening intently. After several long moments, no noise was heard. Megatron circled the rest of the basement, pausing every few steps to listen with audios and sensors on full alert. But he detected nothing after ten cycles of this. He went back to Starath in the original corner he started in and leaned against a pair of boxes.

“My scanning has come up negative. Perhaps you were just imagining thi—“

“EEEEEKK!” she shrieked suddenly and literally jumped into his arms.

“Oof!” Megatron cursed under his breath, “What? What??”

She pointed at the floor near the boxes he had shifted when he leaned on them. “I saw something move and heard the noise!”

A minute of awkward silence fell when she realized where she was. Megatron, although under no strain from her weight, was not impressed with her little maneuver.

“Eh heh heh… you can put me down now…”

“I ought to drop you,” he threatened, but gently set her down anyway.

“EEEEEEKK!” She jumped right back up.

“NOW what??” Megatron demanded, catching her again, “I’m getting tired of this!”

“I saw it again! A little grey thing! Beside the box!! Look! There it goes! Get it Megs, get it!!”

“I’d LIKE to, but somebody keeps screaming and jumping into my arms!”

“Put me down then, dorkbot!”

*WHUMP!*

“Ooww….” Starath looked up from the floor and punched Megatron’s leg. “Thanks a lot!”

“I merely did what you asked,” he snapped back, “Now where did your ‘little grey thing’ go?”

“Over there, by Dad’s computer.” She pointed across the room as she stood up, rubbing her behind. “It’s probably a mouse or a shrew. We’ve had shrews down here before.”

“An Earth animal… great...” Megatron rubbed his forehead, “So we now know what made the noise. Are you happy now?”

“No!”

“No?”

“Cuz we’ve gotta get it outta the basement now! If my Mom or Dad hears it, they’ll try to catch it and kill it! We can’t let that happen!”

“Why not?”

“Just because! We have to catch it now!”

“ ‘We’ ??”

“Yeah Megs, c’mon! It’s just a mouse. How hard could it be to catch?”

Waspinator couldn’t find the fly. It wasn’t on the counters. It wasn’t on the walls. It wasn’t hiding in the oven. He circled the kitchen several times, searching high and low for the bothersome insect. Finally he scratched the back of his head, completely stumped. His large floppy chef’s hat drooped in front of his face when he bumped it. His optics went wide. There, on the end of his hat was the fly. It crawled around the domed top as Waspinator grinned evilly, raising his pink flyswatter ever so slowly to the level of the fly and droopy hat. Carefully…. Carefully… NOW! He swung the flyswatter at full force towards the fly… and his head.

*SMACK!*

“Ouch!” Through the small square holes of the flyswatter, Waspinator saw the fly buzz casually away. Growling in frustration, he painfully peeled the flyswatter from his face and pursued the fly, flailing his weapon haphazardly in an effort to swat it from the air. The fly led him on a merry chase around the kitchen’s center island counter fourteen times before Waspinator collapsed to the ground, too dizzy to continue. Up on the ceiling, Black Arachnia shook her head at his stupidity, but laughed anyway. I need to come here more often for entertainment, she thought, this is certainly better than sitting at the Darkside all day. From his spot against the wall, Dinobot activated a crimson optic and glared at the black widow as she continued to cackle in laughter. He was trying to rest, for Pit’s sake!

“Widow, stop laughing before I help you to do so!” snarled Dinobot.

She spun around on the ceiling to face him. “Hey, if you were watching what I was, you’d be laughing too!”

He eyed Waspinator, who was still sitting on the kitchen floor, spinning from dizziness. His face had an imprint of the flyswatter. Dinobot said to the Predacon, “You are pathetic. You’re being bested by an insect!”

“Well, why doezzn’t Lizzzard-bot help Wazzzpinator??” he shot back, “Show uzz how tough Lizzzard-bot izz!”

“It would be a waste of my time.” Dinobot replied.

“Besides, if he did, I wouldn’t have anything more to watch!” added Black Arachnia. Waspinator blew a raspberry at her.

“Gee, thankzz.”

Smirking, the spider turned to Dinobot again. “I wonder how ol’ Grape-face and Starath are doing. It’s been awhile since we’ve heard anything.”

“Wha?” asked Waspinator, scratching his head with the flyswatter.

“They were going to— Oh nevermind, you weren’t paying attention earlier, bugface. Keep chasing your fly.”

He blew another raspberry. “Hmph! Well, zzpider-bot izz not going to get any cookiezz today!”

“Like I care!”

“QUIET!” roared Dinobot.

Silence fell in the room as the three robots listened for anything to come drifting up the stairs from the open basement door. A few minutes passed and nothing could be heard. Until….

“There it is Megs! I saw it!”

“Where?”

“There! EEEEKK! Don’t let it eat meeee!”

“It’s not going to! And will you STOP jumping into my arms??”

“Sorry, I can’t help it! Aaaiiiee! There it is again! Watch it go! Run you lil’ bugger, run!”

“Starath, do I have to remind you that we’re trying to catch it?”

“I know, but it’s still fun to watch it run! Watch it go! Eeeepp! Not over here! Go away! Meeeegatrooon!!”

“I almost—BLAST! It went behind those boxes!”

“EEEEK! Here it comes again! Don’t eat me!”

“By the Pit, for the LAST time Starath, don’t—“

“I know I know, I’m getting down! Sheesh!”

“It’s over here now!”

The listening Transformers saw Megatron pass by the open doorway wielding a mop like a medieval sword, followed by Starath, who carried a pillow like a shield. Moments passed, then…

*CRASH*

“CURSES! Starath, follow it, quick!”

“It went this way!”

They passed by the door again.

“This way Megs! C’mon! It went by Dad’s computer again!”

“I can see it! Come here, you slagging piece of—“

*THUD*

“By the way Megs, there’s a door jamb above there.”

“Thank you, I am quite aware of that! I am a BIT too big to be running around down here!”

“EEEK! There it is!”

“After it!”

Starath and Megatron ran by the doorway, chasing a little grey mouse.

“Megs, watch out, don’t run into the—“

*BANG*

“…wash machine. Are you alright?”

“I’m—just—PEACHY! Now where did it go?”

“Umm… it’s sitting on your knee.”

“Insolent VERMIN!”

*WHAP!*

“OW! By the slagging burning INFERNO!”

“Yes my Queen?”

BLAM!!

“Whoa… that was neat. When did he show up?”

“I don’t care. But I feel better now, yess.”

Black Arachnia fell off the ceiling, rolling in laughter. Dinobot watched her grimly. Waspinator continued chasing the fly.

“Th-they can’t catch a stupid mouse!” Black Arachnia choked out, all eight legs flailing about as she laughed, “A simple mouse is making a fool out of the great Megatron! HeeheeHAHAHAHA!”

Dinobot stomped past her to the basement stairs, growling. “This cannot go on… Fortunately I just happen to be an expert at vermin control…”

Once in the basement, he surveyed the damage. Overturned boxes. Dents in the sheet rock walls. Dust everywhere. Scattered random things on the floor. It looked like a small battle zone, which it was. He turned left to go through the second doorway, where he found Megatron and Starath standing next to a pile of boxes near the washer and dryer, staring at the floor with “weapons” ready. Both of them now wore buckets for helmets too. Dinobot paused behind them.

“What is the sit—“

“SSSSSSHHHHH!!” He was immediately told.

“There it goes!” Starath cried out. Dinobot spotted the scurrying mouse and transformed into beast mode.

“Stay out of my way!” he warned, running after it. The mouse squeaked in terror as it saw the raptor coming behind it and scooted under the computer desk. Dinobot snarled, sticking his nose around the chair to get under the desk too. The mouse darted away, running through the doorway into the other part of the basement. In his haste to follow, Dinobot whacked his head on the chair beside him. He shook it for a moment, and with a raptor attack cry he pursued the rodent at full speed. It ran towards a large box lying on its side, then suddenly dodged to the right. Dinobot couldn’t change directions fast enough and slid headfirst into the box. His weight slammed into the bottom, causing it to tip over right side up, the top folding itself shut. The box bounced across the floor, growling and snarling until Dinobot’s head popped out, covered in packaging peanuts. He spat some out before jumping out of the box, narrowly missing the ceiling.

“Rrrrr! Where did it go? Where did it go?!” Demanded the raptor, spinning around several times, scattering packaging peanuts everywhere. In frustration he snapped at a falling peanut, then forced himself to calm down. Sniffing the air, he attempted to follow the mousey scent to where the vermin may be hiding. He frowned. It smelled very familiar… Lowering himself closer to the ground, he found a trail in the field of fallen packaging peanuts.

“SnnnRRRKK!” One of the peanuts became stuck in his nose. He dug it out carefully with a killing claw on his left foot, growling. It was difficult to follow the scent trail because it was crisscrossed by many other older trails. It traveled across the floor, around the mini-pool table, under a chair, beside an old television, beneath a small end table, and finally stopped at a wall. He scratched his head with a claw, puzzled. There was no hole or crack in the wall. The wall was just, well, a wall. Where did it go? The raptor raised his head from the floor to the level of a small shelf, coming nose-to-nose with the mouse.

The mouse looked at Dinobot.

Dinobot looked at the mouse.

The mouse waved.

Dinobot attacked.

“RRRRRAAAARRR!”

The mouse jumped down from the shelf and scurried under a door, into the other part of the basement where Starath and Megatron were.

“EEEEK!” screeched Starath, “Megs, it’s back again!”

The Predacon thought fast. “Dinobot, go around to the other doorway and we’ll chase it to you!”

On the other side of the door he growled, “Affirmative!”

And so the two Predacons attempted to herd the mouse in the direction the raptor would be coming from. Surprisingly, it ran where they wanted it to go with minimal effort. It stopped darting under chairs and around boxes and went straight for the doorway as Dinobot prepared to pounce.

“I’ve got you now, vermin!” He cried in victory as he leapt. But the mouse zoomed right underneath him, and he couldn’t stop himself in mid-leap when Megatron and Starath came running through the door.

“Oooff!”

“Slaggit--!”

“Ouch…”

Luckily, Starath was on top of the pile and saw the mouse run away. She scrambled off the other two and gasped, “Aw slag! It’s headed for the open door to the stairs!”

Waspinator held his arms out like a zombie as he walked in zigzagging paths; unable to see where he was going because of the small white mixing bowl stuck on his head. The fly sat on the countertop and watched him with amusement.

“Zzzpider-bot!” Waspinator called out in a muffled voice, “Help meee! Help meeee!”

Black Arachnia dropped from the ceiling and transformed into robot mode, sighing with a claw to her head. “Do have to practice being stupid?”

At the sound of her voice, Waspinator turned to her abruptly, nearly smacking her with his out-stretched arms.

“Zzzpider-bot help Wazzpinator?” He asked hopefully. “Pleez?”

She easily ducked in time, grabbing one of his arms. “This was funny, but now it’s just sad. “C’mon bugface, let’s get you outside before you break something.”

Black Arachnia slid the screen door open and pulled him outside, not bothering to close it. She gripped two edges of the mixing bowl.

“One, two, three, PULL!”

With a loud POP! his head came out, covered in flour. Waspinator blinked, wiping some away and offered his hand, smiling.

“Thankzz, Zzzpider-bot!”

She looked at his flour-covered hand and backed away. “Um, that’s okay. You’re welcome… I think…”

He was about to reply when a stampede could be heard coming up the basement stairs.

“It went across the kitchen!” bellowed Megatron.

“Let me at it!” cried Dinobot.

“Wait you guys! The door’s open! It’s going out the door!” Starath joyfully shouted.

Black Arachnia and Waspinator watched the mouse run out the door, across the deck, down the steps and into the grass. The spider turned to the panting trio standing in the doorway.

“Is that what you were chasing?” She wanted to know, then smirked. “By the way, nice helmets, you two.”

Quickly Megatron whipped his bucket “helmet” off while Starath grinned widely. “Thanks! And yeah, that’s what we were chasing. Who knew such a little thing could cause so much trouble?”

“Size doesn’t always matter,” Megatron said, tapping on her “helmet”. She stuck her tongue out at him and laughed. He moved back into the house, leaning on the countertop. “Thank Primus that’s over.”

Starath followed him, nodding. “Yeah really. Hey Waspy, are you still gunna make cookies?”

The Predacon came back in the house too after dusting all the flour off his head. “Yezz, azz zzoon azz Wazzpinator catchezz that zztoopid fly!”

“Fly? What fly?”

“It’zz in here zzomewhere, Wazzppinator’s been chazzing it forever!”

“Oh.”

Megatron shook his head. “I’ve had enough of chasing things for one day, you’re on your own.”

Suddenly Starath wrinkled her nose. “Eeeewww… Megs…”

“What?”

“What’s that on your arm?”

He raised it from the countertop to look. “Ugh…. I think it used to be a fly.”

“Oh happy day!” cried Waspinator, “No more fly!”

Starath giggled as she watched him dance. “We got rid of the mouse and the fly!”

From outside Black Arachnia saw Waspinator put his chef’s hat back on and prepare to make cookies with Starath. Sighing, she sat up on the deck railing, enjoying the outdoors for a moment. To her left Dinobot searched with his muzzle buried in the long grass, sniffing loudly.

“The rodent is probably long gone,” she told him.

“I know, Widow,” he snapped back, raising his head. “But that mouse smelled familiar and I don’t know why!”

“Maybe it smelled like something you ate, death-breath.” Black Arachnia retorted nastily. But he ignored her, dropping his nose to the ground again.

***********************

In the Axalon, a scene of long grass faded from a monitor and a secret panel opened and shut as a radio-remote control was stored away. The console chair leaned back as its small occupant propped his feet up, laughing quietly.

“Dat was fun! I shudda thought of dat a long time ago when I started boring monitor duty! A remote-controlled mouse! Ah, Rattrap, you’re a genius!”