Beast Wars Anonymous

Beast Wars and all related belong to Hasbro. The story, its original contents and ideas, and any original characters belong to the author and cannot be used or reprinted without the author's permission.

Author's Note: Okay, okay, it's stupid, it's pointless, it probably isn't even all that funny, but I just wanted to try! Also, I would just like to say that I like and admire all authors mentioned, and mean no disrespect to their work! You guys rule! Thanks!

Page Administrator's Note: Contrary to what the author thinks, I found this story hilarious and I'm proud to place it on BWA. Hey, Marina-- let's have some sequels!

1998 Readers' Choice Awards Winner
Best Comedy

The REAL Enemies
by Marina Herald (silver__gryphon@hotmail.com)

"Shh, do you hear that?" Rattrap looked up from his card game as Rhinox swivled around in his chair, listening intently.

"What're ya talkin' about? I don't hear nothin'!" Nonetheless, Rattrap flicked the holographic poker game off and joined his friend in listening. After a moment, he *did* hear something- a low hum, accompanied by a soft 'clackity clack clack'. Rattrap's eyes widened in recognition and he fairly flew up out of his seat in panic. He raced over to a console and activated the intercom, screaming into it as soon as it crackled to life- "Everyone get up here now! Code red! Code red!" Within moments, the other Maximals swarmed into the bridge, weapons cocked and ready.

"What's going on? Is it the Predacons?" Optimus demanded. Rhinox was frantically working at the scanners, muttering to himself.

"Worse than that, Optimus," Rhinox said grimly as the data scrolled across his screen. He turned to face his teammates, a worried expression on his face. "Someone just powered up a modem...and it looks like they've opened up Spellcheck as well."

"Oh that's it, we're gonna die!"

"Shut up, Rattrap. We don't know if it's one of *them,*" Optimus ordered, casting a nervous glance around him.

"Y-yeah, maybe they're just looking for an episode list. Right, Big Bot?" Cheetor asked hopefully. A sudden beeping at Rhinox's station quickly dashed that small hope. Optimus curled his finger around the trigger of his gun, knowing that it was futile.

"All right, team, brace yourselves...the fanfic writers have returned." A collective groan rose up from the Maximals, and they clustered closer together, back to back, though they knew it would be of no help.

"Maybe it's Lizard...he usually leaves us alone. But you gotta feel sorry for Waspinator," Cheetor supplied helpfully, though his hands were starting to shake.

"Pleaseohpleaseohplease, not Stormcloud, please not Stormcloud," Rattrap was murmuring. Dinobot snorted in disgust.

"What are you complaining about vermin? As far as these miserable addicts go, Stormcloud is fairly talented."

"He killed me! And even when I'm *alive* I'm always losing that stupid video game to him!"

"It is better than having a flock of adolescent females living out their twisted bedroom fantasies through females I just *happened* to have sworn my undying love for! Primus, I don't have *that* much stamina!" It was as close as Dinobot would come to admitting that he was as nervous as the rest of them. At least Taratron had created an acceptable female. Sabretalon was someone he would've liked to know for *real*.

"Well, I haven't seen any strange bots popping up out of nowhere, maybe we'll be able to avoid the "original characters," At optimus' words, Cheetor moaned slightly and dropped into a crouch underneath the command room table.

"What's the pussycat's problem? Most of these whackos ignore *him*!" Rattrap snorted. Optimus leaned over and whispered to him:

"Yes, but the ones that *don't* really *are* whackos. Have you seen what Miss Elless...ellsees...ellersess...how the slag is that name pronounced?"

"I dunno. Don't think anyone does." Rattrap said with a shrug.

"Well have you seen what Nicki has planned for him in that 'novel' she's concocting?"

"No."

"Believe me, you don't want to."

"Hey, hey, how come the Bird lady and Stripes never get pestered?"

"Jennifer got Airazor good. Poor Tigatron wouldn't let her out of his sight for a week after Away and Flying," Cheetor called out from under the table.

"Hey, it was a good story!" Rhinox spoke up.

"Hah! Easy for you to say, all you ever do is sit at computers or blow big holes in the enemies!" Dinobot hissed.

"Quiet, all of you! I just heard an e-mail program starting up!"

"Yessss! Safe!" Cheetor shouted happily, surging up from his crouched position. "Umm, that psycho always uses Microsoft," he explained sheepishly.

"Don't get too comfortable, Feline, Taratron seems to be setting her sights on you somewhat." Dinobot said, smirking slightly.

"Yeah, well...things didn't turn out so bad for you with her!"

"You have not read the 'discussion board' recently, have you?"

"Hey what's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing at all, Feline, you will find out soon enough."

"Hey c'mon! Big Bot, make him tell me!" Dinobot just laughed and the others were too busy waiting to see what twisted psyche was about to seize control of their world. After a moment Optimus chuckled softly.

"It's okay, everyone. It's over."

"Huh? Whadaya mean?" Rattrap demanded. Then he, too, seemed to catch onto what Optimus had. "Oh you've got to be kidding me! That's the oldest plot in the book!"

"Huh? What's going on Big Bot?"

"This *is* the fanfic, Cheetor. Looks like we've got a would-be comedian on our hands."

"Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny, now can we go back to bed?" Rattrap crossed his arms over his chest.

"HEY GIVE ME A BREAK- IT'S MY FIRST TRY!" The voice cmae out of nowhere, accomapnied by the clacking of a keyboard.

"Yeah, yeah, yer breakin' my heart."

"Rattrap, that's not such a good idea," Cheetor began.

"YEAH RATTRAP, THAT'S NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA. I'LL BE SEEING YOU LATER!"

"Just so long as it ain't in a cliche like 'dis!"

"SHUT UP RATTRAP."