28.Jan.06
Disclaimer:
I don’t own Beast Wars OR any pop stars OR any of the
songs except for the one written by “The Irons” OR “Friends” OR Fanta.
And I’m making no profit.
Author’s note:
1.
I wrote this with a GREAT amount of help
from my dear friend Zornitza who is not even such a great fan of Beast Wars but
we had a hell of a great time creating this completely pointless and plotless
but fun to read piece of work. Thank you, Zori!
2.
I have to apologize for using only the
first letters of character names. I don’t normally like doing that but this is
in script format and it’s awfully tiring to write everyone’s full names
whenever they speak. And I’m pretty sure it figures who’s speaking :D.
3.
If you keep in mind that the whole thing
consists mainly of very real hallucinations, you could probably live through
even Britney Spears.
A
day of complete madness
By:
Rainynight
Dedicated
to Syntia who is a great author with a wonderful personality and makes me laugh.
And also to Rust. I’ll always have a soft spot for him :D.
Primus is tremendously bored. As you can
imagine, it’s awfully easy to get bored if you’re Him (or Her, let’s not
be discriminative). To distract… Itself… It is currently watching MTV and
reading an article on pathological human psychiatric cases, generously provided
by the authors of this fic. He/She/It is occasionally smirking and even
chuckling. Funny creatures those humans are. If only his transformers did half
of these things… He/She/It feels rather amused by the concept of
hallucinations. Unfortunately, Primus never quite grasped the fact that they
weren’t supposed to be real.
An evil smile as large as two galaxies spreads
across his impossibly gigantic face. He lifts his enormous finger and points it
randomly. A lightning escapes from its tip and strikes two beings who are
currently in close proximity to each other because they are fighting fiercely.
Primus sits back and relaxes, preparing for a worthy entertainment. When gods
decide to have some fun there’s nothing mortal… or immortal… beings can do
about it.
In a flash of light Rampage and Depth Charge
find themselves in a tight hug about ten meters above the ground. They stare at
each other dumfounded.
DC: What did you just do?
RP: Me? I though it was you!
DC: And what are your arms doing around my
neck?!
RP: I could ask the same thing about your
arms around my waist but I don’t fuss over it! Besides, your fins
have turned into little glittering transparent wings. And they flutter. But I
didn’t say anything about that either!
Depth Charge looks at his hands, then his
wings.
DC:
Aaaargh!
Drops Rampage who falls to the ground.
RP: Slaaaag yooou Fiiish Faaace!
Not
paying attention to Rampage’s cursing, Depth Charge is still looking at
himself bewildered and he realizes that both of them have shrunk to a size of
thirty centimeters.
Meanwhile
on the ground Rampage has just pulled a small bag full of golden dust from a
subspace compartment and is studying it thoughtfully.
RP:
Hey, Fish Face, get down here.
Depth
Charge is still so shocked that he actually does so. He comes to his senses when
he lands and tries to punch Rampage but ends up hugging him again, pushed by
some unseen force. They look at each other and quickly draw apart.
RP:
Look at this stuff. (Indicates the bag) Don’t ask me how I know but I’m
pretty sure this is fairy dust. And the two of us have somehow been turned into
fairies. That would explain why we’re 30 centimeters tall as well as the
strange mushy behaviour.
DC:
Er… OK. So?
RP:
I think we’re required to fly around and spread the dust on everyone.
DC:
How do
you know?
RP:
It’s a gut feeling. Don’t you feel something similar?
DC:
Not exactly. But I do have this urge to flutter my wings.
RP:
Oh. Look, someone or something obviously wants us to do the job so maybe if we
just do it, all of this will disappear and we’ll be back to normal.
DC:
You think so?
RP:
Yeah, come on. You fly me and I’ll spread the dust.
And
so the dust is spread on all other beast warriors.
And
the fairy dust is spread over the Predacon base where Megatron is asleep in his
tub, cuddling his rubber ducky. And Megatron starts to dream.
It’s
a cool late July evening. In the middle of a garden full of little green…
aliens… there’s a bench. You could tell right away that the bench is made of
horsehair. Undisturbed by the buzzing of the green aliens, Megatron and Jennifer
Lopez are sitting on the bench, talking animatedly.
M:
J, darling, could you pass me a soda?
JL:
You mean baking soda?
M:
Yes.
JL:
Why do you need it?
M:
I heard it stopped the growing of the toenails and mine are getting
uncomfortably big.
JL:
Interesting. I’d never heard of such an effect of the baking soda.
M:
I hadn’t either but my personal physician told me about it. He also said never
to take any chewing gum from Tarantulas, he’s only giving it away to pull
pranks on bots. I’m not sure what prank can be pulled with a gum but my
physician says so. Don’t you, Waspy?
Enter
Waspinator as the personal physician. He’s chewing a gum that is so sticky
that he can’t open his mouth and all we can hear is:
W:
Bzzz, bzzzzzzz, bzz, bzzzt!
Meanwhile
a UFO flies in and sends down a beam of while light. The little green aliens
start hopping and buzzing enthusiastically along with Waspinator. But just
before Megatron can see who comes out of the UFO, a knock on the door wakes him
up and he realizes he’s been dreaming.
M:
Just when it was getting interesting! Who is it?
Inferno’s
head pops in.
I:
I was merely checking if you needed anything, my Queen.
M:
Aaaargh! You ruined my dream and for the last time, STOP CALLING ME QUEEN!
Well,
it won’t be a fic without that phrase, now would it?
Megatron
blows Inferno to smithereens, plants a kiss on the huge poster of Jennifer Lopez
hanging on the wall and stalks off in a very bad mood to think of a new
ineffective plan to destroy the Maximals.
And
the dust is spread over the Maximal base where Rattrap and Dinobot are (for a
change) insulting each other.
D:
Cheese-eater!
RT:
Walking handbag!
D:
Vermin!
RT:
Fossil!
D:
9!
RT:
Huh? Is that an insult?
D:
Either that or the author hit the wrong key on the keyboard.
RT:
Well, whatever then. 8!
D:
7!
RT:
6!
D:
5!
RT:
4!
D:
3!
RT:
2!
D:
1!
RT:
0!
KABOOOM!
The
explosion throws them both through several rooms into Optimus’ personal
bathroom. Optimus is obviously in the process of taking a shower and starts
shrieking but they pay him no attention so he stops shrieking and starts sulking
for not being noticed.
RT:
So, can ya come up with anything better than (looks around for any visible bomb
and whispers) 0?
D:
Err…
RT:
Aha! Gotcha!
Dinobot
mutters a curse and leaves the base in search of something heroic to do. Behind
him a part of the base goes KABOOM! with a few seconds delay.
Dinobot
is striding towards the Predacon base. He sighs.
D:
I wish there was a Predacon to beat.
Suddenly
a small, apparently injured seal appears in front of him and looks up at him
with big blue eyes.
D:
(thoughtfully) What’s a seal doing so far from the sea? And why would a seal
have blue eyes?
The
seal unzips its costume and out of it comes Tarantulas holding a bottle of
!commercial!
Fanta!
Share the joy! !end of commercial!
T:
Cheers!
Lifts
the bottle and drinks.
D:
Err…
T:
Aha! Gotcha!
D:
Grrr! Not you too! And why are you promoting Fanta?
T:
Because they’re paying me to. We’re trying to gather money for another
season of Beast Wars.
D:
Oh. Since that’s a noble cause I won’t scrap you today.
He
continues towards the Predacon base. Tarantulas drags himself after him
stumbling and tripping over his seal costume and humming something that
suspiciously resembles “I’m a little cattle”.
T:
Dinobot?
D:
Hm?
T:
I think I’m drunk. I’m gonna throw up.
Dinobot
slaps his forehead and looks at the sky.
D:
Why me?!
He
grabs Tarantulas by the hand and quickly drags him over to the Predacon base.
T:
I think I’m gonna go and drink some cabbage juice to sober me.
(Dear
readers, this advice is for real. The pinkish cabbage juice that you get when
you make sour cabbage (or whatever it’s called in English) for the winter does
actually help.)
Dinobot
is left alone in front of the Predacon base. Suddenly it occurs to him that this
is a trap because, obviously, no one can get drunk from Fanta, not even
Tarantulas. He quickly calls the Maximal base.
D:
Hello, Dinobot to base! Do you copy?
RT:
(through the comm. link) No.
D:
Er, are you sure?
RT:
Absolutely.
D:
Err…
RT:
Aha! Gotcha again!
D:
Grrrrrrrr! Just give me Optimus!
O:
Hello, who is this?
D:
Dinobot.
O:
Dinobot who?
D:
Err…
O:
Aha! Gotcha!
D:
AAARGH!
He
angrily cuts the connection and decides to manage on his own against all
Predacons. At that moment Megatron tip-toes to him from behind and slaps him on
the back.
M:
You’re never gonna catch me! Nyah, nyah, nyah!
Megatron’s
slap is so strong that Dinobot looses his balance, falls forward, hits his head
and faints. Megatron is still running around demanding that someone chase him
when he crashes into Optimus who has come to rescue Dinobot. Both of them hit
each other’s heads and loose consciousness. Meanwhile Blackarchnia and
Waspinator have come out of the base and are fussing over Dinobot. Actually,
Blackarachnia is jumping up and down his chest without noticing that Dinobot is
already awake and is glaring daggers at her.
D:
What the slag do you think you’re doing?
BA:
I watched this on ER! Dr. Waspy, what’s the patient’s condition?
W:
Zzzzevere brain trauma!
D:
You have a brain trauma! Let me go!
BA:
The patient is delusional! What do we do?
W:
15 grams morphine…
D:
15 grams? Are you nuts? It’s 15 milligrams you idiot!
W:
… interveinouzzzly!
D:
I’m a robot! I don’t have veins!
D:
Aha! Gotcha! Yes! Yes! I finally did it!
While
Dinobot is happily hopping around he stumbles in the bodies of Optimus and
Megatron who are just in the process of trying to get up.
M:
Oof!
O:
Urgh!
D:
Slag!
All
three of them fall to the ground again and loose consciousness. Waspinator
immediately rushes to their side but Blackarachia is distracted by the
appearance of Silverbolt. He is descending from the sky with a bunch of flowers
and an accordion in his hands.
SB:
My lady, I have come to serenade you!
He
gives the flowers to Blackarachia and starts playing the accordion and singing.
SB:
You aaaare my fiiiire,
BA:
Oh, no, please, not the Backstreet boys with an accordion!
Optimus
and Megatron get up and start dancing together. Dinobot has had enough and heads
back to the Maximal base.
When
Dinobot enters, Rattrap, Cheetor and Rhinox jump on his neck and topple him to
the ground.
RT:
Oh, Dinobot, you’re alive!
D:
Obviously. But I soon won’t be if Rhinox doesn’t get off me. My poor chest
has had enough today.
Rhinox
and Cheetor get off. Dinobot gets up while Rattrap continues to hang on his
neck. Dinobot sighs.
D:
Rattrap,
would you please leave my neck alone?
RT:
Oh, right, sorry.
He
grins sheepishly and gets down.
R:
Where’s Optimus?
D:
Well, I left him dancing with Megatron.
Everyone
else:
Oh.
Ch:
That’s not very nice of him. Why does he never dance with us?
R:
Well, we can dance on our own! Let’s throw a party!
D:
Er… All right but there’s one problem. I can’t dance.
Suddenly
Britney Spears jumps out of a poster on the wall.
BS:
I’ll teach you! Just do as I do!
They
all start copying her motions to the music of Christina Aguilera’s “Come on
over baby”. Christina jumps out of an even bigger poster on the wall and
punches Britney on the nose.
CA:
That’s my song!
They
go out to fight.
RT:
OK, Big Green, now who’s gonna play the music?
Ch:
We can! I play the guitar and we can call Silverbolt who plays the accordion.
R:
And I play the drums!
RT:
And I play the piano!
D:
And I, er… I play the harp!
Everyone
else:
?!
D:
Don’t you dare say a thing!
R:
Ehem, OK. What are we gonna call the band? Something like “The Metals” or
“The Tins” or…
RT:
I know! We’re gonna called it “The Irons”!
Ch:
“The Irons”? I thought we were gonna play and sing. Not flatten shirts!
RT:
Aw, shuddap, kiddo!
D:
All right, all right, we’ll be “The Irons”, whatever. The more important
thing is, we have to write a song.
RT:
What about this:
You’re
my garbage, you’re my cheese,
I
think of you whenever I sneeze…
Ch:
(picking up)
I’m
touched by your tins, you make me go crazy,
I’d
buy you some oil but I’m too lazy!
R:
Perfect!
D:
What? You’ve gotta be mad!
Suddenly
Tarantulas appears out of thin air with a sign reading “COMMERCIAL”.
T:
Try the new Fanta Madness!
Dinobot
pulls the sign from his hand and starts beating him over the head with it.
D:
GET
THE SLAG OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR STUPID FANTA! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you,
I ate you, I ate you… I ate you? I ate you?! Look at what I’m saying! This
author’s typos are getting out of control!
Tarantulas
uses this moment to get away hurriedly.
Some
time later “The Irons” have recorded their song and are very pleased with
themselves.
Ch:
Well, let’s play it!
They
play it.
Earth
starts to shake.
Floods.
Tsunamis.
Trees
falling.
Animals
running for their lives.
Rattrap
nods his head approvingly.
RT:
Yeah, I think we’ve done pretty good.
D:
(snorts) Sure. As long as we can use it as a weapon against the Predacons.
At
that moment they get a transmission from the Predacon base. It turns out to be
Waspinator.
W:
Zzzzorry to bother you but thingzzz here are getting out of control! Monkey-bot
and Bozzz-bot have taken their armor off!
Everyone
else: Ohhhh!
W:
Only from the waist up, you perverts!
Everyone
else:
Oh.
W:
And they’re making grilled rissoles!
Suddenly
they realize Dinobot has disappeared.
RT:
Hey, where’d he go?
Ch:
Dunno. I bet he’s off doing something heroic.
Dinobot
is running in slow motion with a determined look on his face. Bon Jovi’s
“It’s my life” is playing on the background. He finally reaches the
Predacon base.
D:
(panting) Are there any grilled rissoles left?
O:
Sure! Just don’t ask what’s in them.
Dinobot
tries one.
D:
Not bad.
At
that moment Inferno who has already been repaired leans over the window.
I:
Hurry up, my Qu… Royalty. “Friends” begins in five minutes.
D:
Oh, me and Optimus better head back right away then! Although I’m already
slagging sick of running between the two bases.
High,
high up in the sky two small figures, one held up by the other, are watching the
scene.
Dinobot
is trying to wake Silverbolt who has fallen asleep on top of his accordion.
Blackarachia and Waspinator are taking “Prozak”. Somewhere in the distance a
cloud of dust indicates the place where Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera
are still fighting. Optimus and Megatron are packing the grilled rissoles for
home and putting their upper armor back on. A crazy wolf with a backpack howls
somewhere in the forest and screams “I’m not crazy!!!!!”. Then everybody
heads back to their bases to watch “Friends”, eat a lot of grilled rissoles
and drink !commercial! Fanta! Share the joy! !end of commercial!
DC:
Well, it seems that our work here is finished.
RP:
Mmhm.
DC:
Now that the job is done… I could drop you from 1000 meters, you know.
Rampage
gulps. Depth Charge surveys him thoughtfully.
DC:
Oh, well, I guess not today.
And
he descends to drop off the crab-fairy in the Predacon base, his small,
glittering, transparent wings fluttering on his back and leaving behind in the
air the last traces of fairy dust which swirl for a moment and form the words:
A/N:
Ehem,
yes. Yes, I know. Still, please comment. Pretty please with sugar on it. :D